While I was in flight, Michael Moore apparently issued his long-awaited response to the election results, having watched his efforts to smear George Bush and run him out of office come to naught. He exhorts his fans to keep from slitting their wrists by giving them 17 reasons to live on. This, of course, matches the hysterical tone of the rest of the Left today, who have either decided to kill themselves or move to Canada, when they're not busy claiming that vast conspiracies have stolen the election from them.

Memo to Democrats: in order to support democracy, you have to accept its results, even when your side loses. If you can't do that without threatening to move away, kill yourselves, or commit violence, then you don't believe in democracy at all. You only want democracy as a cover to impose your beliefs on others, even when the majority disagree with you.

In the spirit of the Left, CQ reader Jeff Dennis gives a point-by-point rebuttal to Moore's message of hope...

1. It is against the law for George W. Bush to run for president again.

So far.

2. Bush's victory was the NARROWEST win for a sitting president since Woodrow Wilson in 1916.

Close only counts in horseshoes.

3. The only age group in which the majority voted for Kerry was young adults (Kerry: 54%, Bush: 44%), proving once again that your parents are always wrong and you should never listen to them.

Unlike you, they will grow up.

4. In spite of Bush's win, the majority of Americans still think the country is headed in the wrong direction (56%), think the war wasn't worth fighting (51%), and don’t approve of the job George W. Bush is doing (52%). (Note to foreigners: Don't try to figure this one out. It's an American thing, like Pop Tarts.)

Foreigners: Americans don't choose to drive off a cliff when we realize we've made a wrong turn. When we make mistakes, we fix them. We even fix yours.

5. The Republicans will not have a filibuster-proof 60-seat majority in the Senate.

...until 2006.

If the Democrats do their job, Bush won't be able to pack the Supreme Court with right-wing ideologues. Did I say "if the Democrats do their job?" Um, maybe better to scratch this one.

Scratched.

6. Michigan voted for Kerry! So did the entire Northeast, the birthplace of our democracy. So did 6 of the 8 Great Lakes States. And the whole West Coast! Plus Hawaii. Ok, that's a start. We've got most of the fresh water, all of Broadway, and Mt. St. Helens. We can dehydrate them or bury them in lava. And no more show tunes!

We've got most of the guns. Mt. St. Helens is in Skamania County, which went for Bush. What are show tunes?

7. Once again we are reminded that the buckeye is a nut, and not just any old nut -- a poisonous nut. A great nation was felled by a poisonous nut. May Ohio State pay dearly this Saturday when it faces Michigan.

You are the poisonous nut who helped us reelect George Bush. Thanks!

8. 88% of Bush's support came from white voters. In 50 years, America will no longer have a white majority. Hey, 50 years isn't such a long time! If you're ten years old and reading this, your golden years will be truly golden and you will be well cared for in your old age.

You will live to see a black Republican elected President before you see a white Democrat elected President.

9. Gays, thanks to the ballot measures passed on Tuesday, cannot get married in 11 new states. Thank God. Just think of all those wedding gifts we won't have to buy now.

They cannot get married in any states.

10. Five more African Americans were elected as members of Congress, including the return of Cynthia McKinney of Georgia. It's always good to have more blacks in there fighting for us and doing the job our candidates can't.

That is because your party is the one with the Stupid White Men.

11. The CEO of Coors was defeated for Senate in Colorado. Drink up!

He was defeated by a conservative Democrat. Drink the Kool-Ade. Resistance is futile.

12. Admit it: We like the Bush twins and we don't want them to go away.

They will probably run for office.

13. At the state legislative level, Democrats picked up a net of at least 3 chambers in Tuesday's elections. Of the 98 partisan-controlled state legislative chambers (house/assembly and senate), Democrats went into the 2004 elections in control of 44 chambers, Republicans controlled 53 chambers, and 1 chamber was tied. After Tuesday, Democrats now control 47 chambers, Republicans control 49 chambers, 1 chamber is tied and 1 chamber (Montana House) is still undecided.

You have got us, there.

14. Bush is now a lame duck president. He will have no greater moment than the one he's having this week. It's all downhill for him from here on out -- and, more significantly, he's just not going to want to do all the hard work that will be expected of him. It'll be like everyone's last month in 12th grade -- you've already made it, so it's party time! Perhaps he'll treat the next four years like a permanent Friday, spending even more time at the ranch or in Kennebunkport. And why shouldn't he? He's already proved his point, avenged his father and kicked our ass.

Good and hard, didn't he? Admit it -- you love it. Expect more in '06.

15. Should Bush decide to show up to work and take this country down a very dark road, it is also just as likely that either of the following two scenarios will happen: a) Now that he doesn't ever need to pander to the Christian conservatives again to get elected, someone may whisper in his ear that he should spend these last four years building "a legacy" so that history will render a kinder verdict on him and thus he will not push for too aggressive a right-wing agenda; or b) He will become so cocky and arrogant -- and thus, reckless -- that he will commit a blunder of such major proportions that even his own party will have to remove him from office.

It sounds like it is completely out of your hands. Too bad you don't believe in God -- at least then, you could pray.

16. There are nearly 300 million Americans -- 200 million of them of voting age. We only lost by three and a half million! That's not a landslide -- it means we're almost there. Imagine losing by 20 million. If you had 58 yards to go before you reached the goal line and then you barreled down 55 of those yards, would you stop on the three yard line, pick up the ball and go home crying -- especially when you get to start the next down on the three yard line? Of course not! Buck up! Have hope! More sports analogies are coming!!!

Here's one: Close only counts in horseshoes.

17. Finally and most importantly, over 55 million Americans voted for the candidate dubbed "The #1 Liberal in the Senate." That's more than the total number of voters who voted for either Reagan, Bush I, Clinton or Gore. Again, more people voted for Kerry than Reagan. If the media are looking for a trend it should be this -- that so many Americans were, for the first time since Kennedy, willing to vote for an out-and-out liberal. The country has always been filled with evangelicals -- that is not news. What IS news is that so many people have shifted toward a Massachusetts liberal. In fact, that's BIG news. Which means, don't expect the mainstream media, the ones who brought you the Iraq War, to ever report the real truth about November 2, 2004. In fact, it's better that they don't. We'll need the element of surprise in 2008.

Here's a surprise for you: the real truth about November 2, 2004 is that you lost.

Feeling better? I hope so.

It's only going to get worse. Drink the Kool-Ade.

As my friend Mort wrote me yesterday, "My Romanian grandfather used to say to me, 'Remember, Morton, this is such a wonderful country -- it doesn't even need a president!'"

Morton's grandfather was right. This is a wonderful country. It has a President -- George Walker Bush. Eat your miserable stunted hearts out.

But it needs us.

It does: there will be more elections. Until you decide to cash it all in, please keep doing what you have been doing, and thanks again for helping us reelect George Walker Bush.

Rest up, I'll write you again tomorrow.

When you wake up tomorrow, George Bush will still be President and you will still be losers. Go on, drink the Kool-Ade, then take a nice long nap. You'll be glad you did.

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